Rob's Tips for Romantic Success

Not a tip I guess.  Click the pic for full size.

Sorry about the utter lack of updates for months.

More to come!

Remember that old Papa Roach song where the guy yells “My weakness is that I care too much!” Well that wasn’t really his weakness. His weakness was that he was a whiny stalker who couldn’t sing and cried too often.

Still, there is a powerful lesson in this song.

From time to time we all find ourselves lacking in basic dating, and living, essentials. For example, in most US cities a car is a basic requirement for citizenship. Those without one quickly become societal outcasts, left forever to hitch rides or tack on a few extra hours to any trip via a decaying and underfunded mass transit system. To some of the more superficial women, a lack of job, place to sleep, or discernable skills will likely count against you. Some might say you probably have bigger things to worry about if you don’t have a home, but they are sorely mistaken. Love transcends not only present living conditions but also whatever bleak future we may face in life, including the grim realization of an inevitable death.

So maybe you lack some basic necessity, or many of them, no big deal. There are many great excuses out there on which to blame your deficiencies, a few might even make you more attractive.

Say you don’t have a car. There are plenty of logical, perfectly reasonable explanations for your lack of wheels. Maybe you got 3 DUIs in one week, or maybe you jumped it off an awesome ramp and into a fruit stand, bursting everything into flames. Maybe it transformed into a giant robot or maybe it got automobile AIDS. Who knows? For women none of these reasons will do, to them you’re just a guy with no ride and a stupid goatee.

This is where you must get creative. I’m generally against lying to women, I prefer the term “transmutating the truth.” Get used to the term because you will use it a lot.

Truth transmutation is perfectly justifiable. If women were a bit less superficial they would look beyond your unemployment/ homelessness/ lack of car/lack of personality/ listlessness/ pungent odor/ etc and see the vagabond with a heart of gold within. Unfortunately they are not, and you must operate within this framework of impossibly high expectations, pretty much forcing you to make up a few details (which of course lead to making up more substantial details and so on).

When she inevitably confronts you about your mountain of lies, blame her. Remind her that if she wasn’t into all that superficial crap she wouldn’t have been interested in you in the first place, the selfish floozy.

For more info about buses and bikes and life without cars check out my pal Aisha‘s blog, Ecostreets.

Text messages have more recently become one of the primary forms of communication in the dating world (as well as the regular world). And with this form of communication, a growing lexicon of terms, jargon and nomenclature has emerged. To help you understand this murky and new language I’ve collected a few examples of the more popular terms used to describe the nature of a given text conversation and examples of their usage.

Texting:

How doooo?

Oh Splendidly indeeeeed.

Sexting:

I put on my robe and wizard hat…

Please stop texting me.

Exting:

So I wrote a poem about your lady garden. Want to hear it?

we R thru

Damn… I’ll send it anyways, it’s good.

Dexting:

How does one get like a gallon of blood out of carpet?

Hmmm. baking soda?

Mexting:

AYYYE tengo un graan bigote! Donde esta el biblioteca? Aye che wowwwee!
AYYYE DIOS MIO! El chupacabra estan aqui! Te queres mis ojos por una sopa de albondigas!
AYE QUE LASTIMA!

Crucifexting:

So I died for your sins and you won’t even give me a ride to the airport? How ungrateful.
Jesus Christ! I’m busy.

Dyslexting:

I boot put on but no was there socks.

FAIL

Chexting:

Where are you? I saved you some peanut butter filled pretzels from the chex mix bowl.

<3

Correxting:

Their are definately alot of wierd people at this party.

THERE are DEFINITELY A_LOT of WEIRD people, yes.

Annexting:

Pryvet Comrade! Romania has much good farm land! Is mine now.

Oh. Dare I say good fellow, but I’m afraid I need that land.

Too late!

Safe Sexting:

I put on my robe, wizard hat and hickory bacon flavored condom.

If you don’t stop texting me I will call the cops.

Perplexting:

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

DEEP

Molexting:

I’m contemplating whether or not your left boob is better than your right.
WHO IS THIS?

T-Rexting:

RAWWWWWWR!

MUST    GO    FASTER

Hexting:

I put a spell on you… Because you’re MIIIINE!

Didn’t work.

Pontifexting:

Alright B, I’ll grant you an indulgence on the wife-beating THIS time.

Thanks Mr. P! I owe you one!

Sushexting:

OMG I need an Ahi sashimi roll.

It’s 3 am… You have a problem…

As I pointed out in an earlier post, humor is not an effective way of winning the ladies over. It is still useful, however, in its information gathering capacity. Just not with texting.

Humor is a subtle language, it requires nuance, timing and nonverbal signals to make sense, trying to effectively communicate humor via texting and in under 160 words is nearly impossible. And I should know, I can’t tell how many hilarious jokes I’ve texted to women only to receive no response at all. Obviously they would have thought the jokes were hilarious and texted back immediately if the format was more conducive to great comedy. Instead responses are often non-existent or angry in nature. Somewhere along the line comic genius is lost in translation.

So instead of going for the funny suggestion or comic angle, go with plain, direct and inobscure messages. Where once you might have written “So you want to get sushi? Maybe see a movie? I still need to fill my mercury quota this month. And anything that’s not Twilight is fine, I’ve already seen far too many skinny, pale, goth kids at the mall today as it is.” say, “Would you like to eat dinner and see a movie with me? I can tell you about my issues with Mother. Then maybe some funny business in the car, if you’re alright with that.”

Dancing is a useful skill to have, and you never really know when you will need it. You might find yourself in a street corner Break Dance Off or a World’s Longest Conga Line attempt or even a “Thriller” reenactment without even a moment’s notice. And if you blow it, everyone will know, ruining your future chances of romance with every female who happens to be within viewing distance (and possibly even more thanks to cell phone cameras and Youtube).

To women, dancing is the ultimate way of peering into a man’s deepest, darkest psyche. And often it is not a good sight.

You could sign up for a few dance lessons at the community college, or maybe try a bit of imitation while watching Dancing with the Stars. But really all you need to do is move you’re arms about stiffly in a convulsing, slightly angry fashion, otherwise known as “The Robot.” The Robot has gotten me out of so many tough, dance-requiring situations it’s ridiculous (and a couple of non-dance-requiring ones too).

It requires no training and no dancing skill or sense of rhythm whatsoever. In fact, the less rhythm you have, the better. So get out there guys, don’t be afraid to ask that cute girl to dance. Just be sure to power down for the night once everybody else has left the club.

Women often say that a good sense of humor is the most important attribute for a potential mate. Of course, we all know that this has never really been true, and is used mainly as a way of seeming less superficial.

Still, your reaction to jokes (especially the stupid ones) are considered by us to be a real-time measure of how we’re doing at any given moment. For instance, if you smile when we cry a little because the salsa is too hot, that’s good. If you giggle when we go for a sip of water and accidentally put the straw in our nose, that’s really good.  It’s all part of the delicate and complex dance of romance. You find our stupid jokes funny, and we are amused by your terrible impression of Bill Cosby. Sloppy kisses ensue.

Well that’s how it should work. However, some women will do something very confusing like find a guy funny, even though she has no romantic interest in him at all.

As a man, I must discourage this kind of bizarre behavior. If you don’t like a guy, simply don’t laugh when he tells his (many) clever anecdotes about farting in public or when he talks with an absurd Jamaican accent (“Ey mon, if your aunty ‘ad nuts she’d be called your uncle! Ah ah ahhh!”) or does some other hilariously silly thing.

He will get the message very quick and leave you alone, avoiding any potential confusion about the nature of the relationship and saving him a lot of time and energy (which can perhaps be better spent writing fart jokes). This is not to say that platonic friendships are impossible, they should just be clear of any hint that you actually enjoy his company.

Now there are many who say that first we must make the girl laugh, then and only then will romance ensue. To them I say “Fiddlesticks! I’ve no time for such blatant whimsical chicanery!”

Then I go home alone and drown myself in boxed wine…

Your choice of a costume for that Halloween party is way more important than you might think. With the right costume you can draw attention to yourself, communicate interests and show off your creativity before saying a single word. A great costume can also be an excellent conversation piece.

For example, I love zombies, and I admire Jesus for that whole, sacrificing his soul to the devil to save mankind thing (that’s what he did right?). So I showed my appreciation of both with a very unique Zombie Jesus costume. Not only was it popular with the ladies, it also sparked off some very passionate theological discussion (when a girl says she will pray for your immortal soul, you know you’re in).

Other costume suggestions include Diarrhea Suffering Thor and Incorrect Number of Arms Having Vishnu.