Sorry about the utter lack of updates for months.

More to come!

WHY SO SERIOUS!??

The worst possible thing to happen to a man, aside from a direct hit to the nuts, is getting five or six entire minutes into a conversation with a beautiful, interesting woman only for her to casually mention that she has a boyfriend. As if that fact wouldn’t entirely change the dynamics of any interaction.

Whenever a guy says hello, talks to, smiles at, looks in the general direction of or is within a 15-foot radius of a woman, one can assume that he is interested in her in a very romantic sense.

The sooner we determine your current relationship status, the sooner we can either get the hell out of there and find someone who’s not attached to whatever douchebag you happen to be seeing, or proceed in a civilized fashion, depending on your response.

“I’ve always thought the most sensual part of a woman was the boobies.”

-Zapp Brannigan

-Futurama

For some reason, women love symbolism. Flowers, Teddy Bears, poetry, sad songs, ears and the like all fair much better as gifts than more useful items like anti-snoring mouthpieces, edible lingerie and home-made 140 proof moonshine.

There’s really no reasoning behind it, but  keep in mind that a well written tweet or a carefully designed piece of ASCII art will be much more impressive than pretty much anything you can find at Walgreen’s 10 minutes before you meet her for dinner.

See all The Perfect Girls here!

Remember that old Papa Roach song where the guy yells “My weakness is that I care too much!” Well that wasn’t really his weakness. His weakness was that he was a whiny stalker who couldn’t sing and cried too often.

Still, there is a powerful lesson in this song.

From time to time we all find ourselves lacking in basic dating, and living, essentials. For example, in most US cities a car is a basic requirement for citizenship. Those without one quickly become societal outcasts, left forever to hitch rides or tack on a few extra hours to any trip via a decaying and underfunded mass transit system. To some of the more superficial women, a lack of job, place to sleep, or discernable skills will likely count against you. Some might say you probably have bigger things to worry about if you don’t have a home, but they are sorely mistaken. Love transcends not only present living conditions but also whatever bleak future we may face in life, including the grim realization of an inevitable death.

So maybe you lack some basic necessity, or many of them, no big deal. There are many great excuses out there on which to blame your deficiencies, a few might even make you more attractive.

Say you don’t have a car. There are plenty of logical, perfectly reasonable explanations for your lack of wheels. Maybe you got 3 DUIs in one week, or maybe you jumped it off an awesome ramp and into a fruit stand, bursting everything into flames. Maybe it transformed into a giant robot or maybe it got automobile AIDS. Who knows? For women none of these reasons will do, to them you’re just a guy with no ride and a stupid goatee.

This is where you must get creative. I’m generally against lying to women, I prefer the term “transmutating the truth.” Get used to the term because you will use it a lot.

Truth transmutation is perfectly justifiable. If women were a bit less superficial they would look beyond your unemployment/ homelessness/ lack of car/lack of personality/ listlessness/ pungent odor/ etc and see the vagabond with a heart of gold within. Unfortunately they are not, and you must operate within this framework of impossibly high expectations, pretty much forcing you to make up a few details (which of course lead to making up more substantial details and so on).

When she inevitably confronts you about your mountain of lies, blame her. Remind her that if she wasn’t into all that superficial crap she wouldn’t have been interested in you in the first place, the selfish floozy.

For more info about buses and bikes and life without cars check out my pal Aisha‘s blog, Ecostreets.

There are few things in life better than a girl with a guitar.

See all The Perfect Girls here!

Sometimes it’s our most glaring flaws that makes us beautiful. The first of a regular feature I will be doing between Tips. Idea was taken from a drawing by the awesome princendymion.

Good conversation is a vital part of any successful relationship, and often it develops and flows easily when there is mutual interest.  However, sometimes you may find it difficult to get a decent, lively discussion started. In such cases it’s always good to have a few great backup conversation pieces up your sleeve.

Dinner is the perfect time and ethnic restaurants are often the perfect proving ground for whipping out those interesting and engaging facts, but any date-like situation will do.

Such trivia should be somewhat related to that particular date, it’s not wise for example to bring up the unfortunate lack of sex lives in bananas while waiting for your Bloomin’ Onion at Outback. Instead, you might discuss the distribution of various onion crops around Australia’s temperate zones, which is both fascinating and pertinent.

Finding such compelling information is easy enough. Wikipedia and Youtube are good places to start.

Here are a few more suggestions for great potential conversations in various situations.

• The use of January 0 for Astronomical and Astrological purposes during a New Year’s Eve Party.
• The Time Cube if she asks what time it is.
• The phrase “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.” while at a bar, eating Buffalo wings.
• The Voynich Manuscript if she mentions that she enjoys reading.
• ISO 3103 if she orders hot tea.